You Idiot
by chaostition
Summary: I don't have any regrets.


**Title:** You Idiot  
**Characters/Pairings:** Hojo/Lu. With the mention of Vin. He's always in there somewhere.  
**Warnings:** My own headcanon mixed with DoC and OGC, mild language, and just an Emo-ish nature.  
**Summary:** I don't have any regrets.

* * *

You're an idiot, Lucrecia. Such a stupid, absent-minded idiot.

It's easier to exsanguinate if you cut down the radial artery, not across. You cut across if you want attention. I guess you did, staying in that lab all day, trying to save a dying man, continuing your thesis. It's lonely, isn't it? Talking to a tube isn't that much fun.

I would have gave you that attention, if you had gave me the time of day. But once I shot your little boy-toy, oh no. You couldn't stand me. I fell out of your good graces. Not once did I get a thank you for making his body resilient enough for your experiments. For the love of Gaia, I gave you the idea to use Chaos to keep him alive! Yet, still no thanks.

I haven't even got an apology yet. I won't, will I?  
After all, I was only the husband who you betrayed, who you cheated on the first time Valentine batted his pretty eyes at you. What about me? Did you give all those "sorries" to him as well?

You idiot. They were wasted. He was never upset about his crackpot father. He didn't blame you. I hated the son-of-a-bitch, and even I could see that!

I didn't blame you either. No. I never was angry with you. I... Could have been a better husband, I admit that. But I just wanted your attention. You don't see me reaching for the razor blades, do you? Self-destruction isn't the answer.

It's wasted effort. If you had just held out a little longer, saw that I still... Cared, we could have found a way to remove the Jenova cells from your body. You could have held your son.

I bet you blame me for everything. That's okay if you do. But... He was my son too. I never got to hold him either. Once he was stable, he was shipped back to Midgar. It was part of that contract we had to sign, remember? It wasn't all my fault.

You should have seen him, Lucy. He had your eyes. Not the color-- they're already Mako blue-- or the shape-- they are like mine, in that respect-- but they had such... Curiosity in them! Just like yours. I could see his mind dissecting the ventilator he was put on. A few hours old, and already so brilliant!

As for... what happened to you. Your degradation... We didn't know the full extent of what you were dealing with, were we? We assumed that Jenova was a Cetra. That's what Gast's re---

Gast. He knew! He knew that Jenova wasn't a Cetra. But he knew too late. If he had consented to the human experimentation from the start, we wouldn't have had to go around his back. We could have found a different mother, or taken it slower... Between us. We could have found that it would have been dangerous for you.

I'll get Gast. I'll take everything he holds dear. His ignorance did that to me.

And you'll... You'll stay here, you moron. Not alive. Not dead. Stuck in some horrid limbo in this crystalline cave. This is where you logged finding Chaos and the Protomateria, wasn't it? Did you think that I never paid attention to details like that?

Well, once upon a time I was young and devoted to you. I read every word of your Chaos Thesis, from the poetry to the mathematical proofs. It... I called it foolish, but it was brilliant, Lucy. It scared me that someone could surpass my intellect. However, you were stupid enough to let my opinion knock your self-esteem down a peg or three. It worked; you were miserable, and I felt just a little less scared.

But... I hurt you. I didn't want to. I didn't mean to. I... I'm sorry. I... lo--

I should leave you be in this cave. This beautiful and empty cave. I hope that you can find your peace here. You deserve it, Lucy.

Maybe on the way you can find it in your heart to love me again.

No. Hate me instead. It's easier.

* * *

A/N: If there's any confusion, this is Hojo talking to dead-and-in-the-crystal!Lu. It's a mix of my own headcanon (the contract, Lu committing suicide), DoC (Chaos, the pro'materia, mentioning Grimoire), and OGC (Gast, who doesn't show up in Dirge at ALL). I'm trying to find the wonderful median between the backstories, and I think I may have something with this one. Splicing: Not just for scientists anymore!


End file.
